SmallTime Crooks
by ALC Punk
Summary: Sam Carter and Vala Mal Doran play at being pirates. And sort of fail at it.


Disclaimer: Not mine.  
Fandom: Stargate: SG-1  
Set: post-season ten, vague spoilers and stuff.  
Rating: PG13, little violence, little femslash, little language  
Pairing: Sam Carter/Vala Mal Doran, various other vague refs to any others you can think of.  
Length: 2,000+  
Notes: um. I have no idea what I think of this. It was supposed to be teenyshort fluff for Meeshy, but then it got all ballooned. And stuff. Also, wow, have I gotten tired of writing: porn, action AND plot... (it was supposed to be Space Pirates, Meesh, but it totally failed. Well. Mostly failed)

**Small-Time Crooks**  
_by ALC Punk!_

Before the plan was thought of...

"How come we don't get to be pirates?" Cameron asked, his tone peevish. He sounded as though someone had waved a dog at him, then gave it to someone else entirely, took photos with it, and generally planned to never let him hear the end of it until the dog was long dead and buried.

"Because you're male, and despite your one-time success with the Allutian Alliance, you're awful at going undercover," explained Vala in tones that suggested arguing would get him mocked. And a picture of the puppy soaking wet with several laughing children surrounding it.

"You have to admit, you really don't scream sleazy," Sam pointed out as she walked into the briefing room, having changed at Vala's suggestion. And she was probably right. Cam Mitchell, in his blue jeans and white t-shirt just looked, well, relaxed. Carter's leather pants and mid-riff-baring leather bustier, on the other hand, practically shouted 'I am sleazy, hear me roar'.

Cam stared at her, eyes wide. "Can you even breathe in that?"

Dropping into her normal chair with a squeak of leather, Sam rolled her eyes. "Yes, Cam, I can. So, Vala. Do we have a plan yet?"

"I thought you were coming up with a plan?"

"Well, I would have, but you said you were," Sam replied.

Daniel coughed, "So. Vala, what does being male have to with us not being able to be pirates?" Up until then, he'd kept silent, since he didn't relish the idea of going undercover. For one thing, it might require pretending to be married to _Vala_, and that wasn't something he wanted to contemplate.

"Men are easy to distract, Daniel. And, Sam, I think I have a plan, since you neglected to bring one to the table. But I'd rather not discuss it just now."

"So are women!" Objected Cam.

"Really, now?" Vala smiled and turned to Sam, "So, Sam, if Cameron walked in here without a stitch of clothing on, would you lose your train of thought as easily as he did?"

"Hey, wait--" Cam objected.

Sam interrupted him, looking far too amused, "No, I wouldn't. Sorry, Cameron."

"Oh, that's just great. Thanks, Sam. Daniel, I feel like we need to get out and find a good topless bar and do some serious drinking."

"Uh, no. But thank you." Daniel waved his stack of papers, then pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at Sam. "Besides, don't we have to be their backup?"

"No. I told you already, that's what Teal'c is for." With a beaming smile, Vala smacked her hands on the table and stood. She was wearing an outfit similar to Sam's, though hers had obviously seen more wear. "Now, let's get this boat on the road."

"Uh," Sam corrected, "Road on the show--"

"We're taking a ship, Sam."

"Never mind."

* * *

After the plan failed in reaching fruition...

"I thought you had a plan."

Vala thunked her head against the wall behind her and huffed out a breath, attempting to move the bangs that were dangling in her eyes. "Yes, well, plans change."

From across the room, sitting on her own stone bench, Sam raised her eyebrows. "They do, huh?"

"Besides," Vala decided, in a burst of selflessness, "This is quite obviously your fault for having not thought up a plan before I did." She smiled, as though it were the single most brilliant deduction she'd ever had. Given that her current state was one of being handcuffed while locked in a cell, it probably wasn't, though.

Sam, who had been wriggling her hands, testing the strength and heft of her bonds raised both eyebrows as she looked at Vala. "I'm not sure my plan would have been any different. Although I wouldn't have punched Macton."

"He was looking down your top," Vala objected. "I thought you'd punch him yourself, but then, of course, you're so much more in control." She kicked at the floor with her boots and scowled.

"He was?"

"You didn't notice?" Vala scowled more.

Sam grunted and shifted a bit, giving her left hand a little more give. "I think they got everything when they confiscated our weapons."

"They even took my hair pins," Vala sulked. "Imagine, them thinking we would use them to escape."

"Well, we would." Twisting a bit, Sam snagged the safety-pin she'd stuck at the back to keep her waistband flat (it needed stitching, but there'd been no time). She bit her lip, pushed and succeeded in freeing it.

"I do hope you're planning our escape, Sam. Since I did all of the hard stuff beforehand."

Sam laughed, "Would you like a moon or two while I'm at it?"

"Yes. I bet we could get good prices for them, sell them to about a dozen different buyers each, then retire, somewhere."

"I don't want to retire," Sam objected, succeeding in pricking herself twice before she got the pin into the lock on her cuffs.

* * *

A little while later...

"I knew bringing you along was a good idea," Vala hissed as she followed Sam down another corridor, both of them watching the shadows for movement.

"Thanks," Sam muttered back before she froze, then shoved Vala into an alcove, pressing up against her, and putting her hand over her mouth when she started to object. A moment later, Vala heard the same sound and froze, too.

From the corridor ahead came a crowd of men and women, all wearing rather outlandish costumes and talking in a strange language. They glanced down the cross-corridor, but none of them came down it, much to Sam's relief. They were gone shortly, their voices and boots echoing still as they moved further away.

Sam slowly relaxed, but stayed where she was, acutely aware of Vala, the smell of leather and the fact that if she moved her hand and _leaned_ ever-so-slightly, she could kiss Vala.

None of which Vala considered when she licked Sam's palm.

"Ew," Sam said, after she'd sucked in a breath and yanked her hand back.

"You can let me go, they're gone," replied Vala helpfully.

Rolling her eyes, Sam backed away, "Let's just get to the bridge and hijack the ship so we can go home, ok?"

"With what weapons?" demanded Vala, "And besides," she added as she started towards the junction, stride confident, "Who said you were in charge here, anyway. This is my turf--"

Someone came around the corner ahead of her, and Vala made a sound that was definitely not a squeak.

"Colonel Carter, Vala," said Teal'c, eying them in amusement. These days, Sam had the strange feeling he was eying them all that way. As though he knew more about them than he could ever--or would ever--tell. It was unsettling, to say the least.

"Hey, Teal'c." Sam walked past him, accepting the zat he held out for her as she did so. It was almost unconscious, knowing he would have a weapon for her and reaching out for it.

"We're going to storm the bridge, Teal'c. Want to come?" asked Vala, her teeth flashing as she grinned happily.

Teal'c merely handed her another zat and let her follow Sam while he brought up the rear.

* * *

One commanding officer is worth two tribbles in the bush...

"I hope you can fly this thing--"

"What?!" Vala shouted over the sound of gunfire.

Sam ducked around the corner and nailed the last pirate. "I said, I hope you can fly this thing," she said, her voice loud in the sudden quiet.

"Of course I can fly it." Vala huffed, letting Sam make certain the area was clear before she followed her onto the bridge proper. She looked around, quickly spotting the pilot's station and claiming it as her own. Pressing a few controls, she frowned, then muttered, under her breath, "Maybe."

"I have secured the companionway," Teal'c reported as he came onto the bridge.

"Thanks, Teal'c."

"Damn. These controls are locked--" Vala smacked her hand on the console, then winced.

Looking up from a different station, Sam asked, "Would they have had time to lock them out?"

"Like--yes! A code. We need to break the code and get the controls back on line. Start looking for the highest-ranking crew member." Vala instructed, jumping up. She started doing just that, poking the unconscious or dead bodies until she found the man wearing the scarlet sash. One man who hadn't been distracted by two attractive women in leather. Perhaps Cameron... "Found it!" Vala waved a bright red plastic square and moved to the center console.

"That's a key?"

Carefully fitting it into the depression she'd noticed, but ignored, Vala felt the key slide into place with a soft snikt. "There. Now, hold your breath--" The ship lurched, and Vala dove for the pilot's console, quickly taking control. "Ah, there we go... Just calm down, girl..." The slight motion stopped, and Vala grinned. "Now, let's fly you somewhere we can off-load your crew."

* * *

Never look a gift horse in the mouth...

It was Teal'c who spotted the self-destruct countdown. Of course, it was after they'd dumped the crew on a habitable planet. So they couldn't very well bargain with them for their lives, now.

"Crap--" Sam yanked open the panel and stared at the maze of wires, "Vala--"

"It's not my fault! I turned the key right--" the erstwhile space pirate got out of the chair and relinquished the controls to Teal'c, since he had little experience in the area of bombs, and rather a lot in piloting strange craft. She came over to Sam, "It shouldn't have activated, not without--"

"Maybe it's some sort of DNA-encoded matrix that only responds correctly--" Sam offered as she knelt to pull the lower panel off. "There are way too many wires. Where would they put the bomb?"

"Possibly, some sort of signal sent to the ship's engines," suggested Vala as she leaned over and peered into the wiring. "It's got to be hard-wired in, but I bet if we break the circuit--"

"It will go off, anyway." said Sam, turning onto her back and wriggling under the console, "Maybe we can bypass it, with--"

"No, won't work, there's redundant cabling--"

"Then--"

For a short while, Teal'c listened to them discuss, argue, and blame each other before he tuned them out. Flying, he could do. Listening to them bicker, well, he'd heard it all before, in some ways. And it made him feel a little pleased that he knew things they didn't seem to.

"Landry is not going to be impressed--" Sam said, a while later, her hands buried in the wires.

"General Landry is never impressed," Vala pointed out as she climbed over Sam and twisted to watch her hands. "I think we've almost got it--"

"--if we blow ourselves up trying to steal a ship," Sam finished, ignoring Vala. Or trying to.

"--there!" Grinning in triumph, Vala cut a wire, then yelped as it sparked. She stuck her finger in her mouth, sucking on it a moment.

Sam stared at her, eyes widening a little, before flicking away. "Teal'c," she called, "We stopped the countdown."

"Very good, Colonel Carter," Teal'c replied. "We shall reach the Beta Site in two hours."

Turning her head back, Sam was only a little surprised when Vala kissed her. "For luck," Vala murmured before scrambling off of Sam and moving to give Teal'c pointers on flying 'her' ship.

* * *

I never meant to brag...

The ship had been delivered to the Beta Sight, and Siler and a crew of technicians swarmed over it. Sam, Vala and Teal'c headed back to Stargate Command, gave their reports, and then went to the infirmary. Dr. Lam checked them all over, then released them with an admonishment to take their damned vitamins. Since Teal'c wasn't feeling gentlemanly, he stole the shower before the women could, leaving Sam and Vala stuck in their leathers.

Sam was looking forward to her shower.

Luckily, there was blue jell-o in the cafeteria. Sam snagged a cup and moved to drop into a chair with a squeak and a sigh. "Remind me to come up with the plan, next time."

"If there is a next time," Vala replied, taking the chair across from her and sticking her finger in the whipped-cream on top of her chocolate mousse. "General Landry didn't seem to think we did a very good job."

"You said yourself he doesn't impress easily," digging her spoon into her jell-o, Sam took a bite before continuing, her mouth full, "Besides, it doesn't matter. We need more technology like that if we're going to keep Earth on the cutting-edge, ahead of the Ori, the Goa'uld and the Allutian Alliance."

"Not to mention half a dozen other planets, like the Nox."

"The Nox are way beyond us, though," Sam objected, waving her spoon.

Vala licked the chocolate from her own spoon, then shrugged, "I suppose they are. And the Ancients are, too."

"And the Furlings."

"Ah!" Raising a finger, Vala shook her head, "I think the Furlings are something to scare young children with."

"They don't exist?"

"Or they did, but they've moved on. Ascended, or something poetic like that."

Sam rolled her eyes and dug another bite out, not bothering to savor it, this time. Teal'c would be done in the shower, soon. And she wanted to feel hot water pounding on her back. "The opportunity for technological advancement means that the IOA will continue authorizing missions through the gate."

"What happens if they don't? Will I be stuck here, on Earth?"

Fully serious for a moment, Sam shook her head, "We've faced that prospect before, Vala. And like before, you won't be trapped here, or locked in Area 51," she added, remembering the alternate reality she'd been in, months ago.

"That's good to know. No, really, it is," Vala replied. Then she broke the tension by holding her spoon out to Sam. "Chocolate?"

* * *

Not all plans go wrong...

The shower was as good as Sam had thought it would be. She tilted her head back, letting the near-scalding water cascade over her back, neck and shoulders. The bruises and tensions of the day slowly began to melt away, leaving her almost rested.

"Damn--"

Vala's curse pulled Sam from her peaceful state, and she opened her eyes to scowl across the way. "Vala--"

"I left my soap," Vala explained, waving her pink shower puff. "I don't suppose...?"

Sam sighed and took the bottle of body wash from the shelf, "Here."

"Thank you." Vala paused, looking at Sam, her eyes almost distant. "I don't suppose you'd need some help washing your back?"

Eyebrows raising, Sam asked, "Do you?"

"Well," Vala scooted over to join Sam under her shower head, "Now that you mention it..." she kissed Sam lightly, "There are spots I never feel I can reach quite well enough."

"Was that for luck?" Sam asked, feeling almost dizzy with the sudden need and attraction that was vibrating through her.

"Possibly."

Sam reached out and cupped Vala's face, drawing her close enough to kiss again. "I don't need luck," Sam murmured. Then she kissed Vala, lips almost demanding an answer that Vala answered by pressing up against Sam.

A few minutes later, Vala dropped the bottle of body wash, but neither of them noticed.

-f-


End file.
